i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
