He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
