I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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