no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
