threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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