I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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