everyone is single if you try hard enough
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
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We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
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I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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