I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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