I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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