my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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