it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
