i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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