The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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