I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
either way he was missing a nipple.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
