I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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