Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
