I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
