The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
