After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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