I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
