tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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