i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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