You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
