U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
