I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
