I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
