i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
