I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
