An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
