After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath