I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
