Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My liver just had a heart attack.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
