'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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