so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
