They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
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I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
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Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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