Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
