He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize