last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
