oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
