ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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