you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
