I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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