I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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