she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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