My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
