why didn't you poke me back
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
