I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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