something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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