Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
