i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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