I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
