We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
