I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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