Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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