Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
