Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I came so hard my ears popped.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
