Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
