sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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