you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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