I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
